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Dr. Norquist writes a weekly column
for the Hudson Reporter newspapers of Hoboken, Jersey City, Secaucus, Weehawken, North
Bergen, Union City, West New York, Bayonne and Hudson County, N.J. (http://www.hudsonreporter.com/pages/health)
She answers questions about life and
relationships from a holistic, spiritual orientation. Her intention is to assist
people in empowering themselves, and provide meaningful concepts and
recommendations that have practical applications.
From previous Enlivening Ourselves columns:
Relationships
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I need your advice. I am deeply involved in a committed relationship that I was hopeful
could go further, onto marriage. We have major disagreements over our money style. My
partner’s style is drastically different than mine.
What if one person does not agree to the other person being "in
charge" of how the money is spent? How do other people handle money? What kind of
compromises do they make?
Dr. Norquist responds:
As you probably know, one of the main stressors behind divorces is the issue of finances.
This is certainly an area to be clear about with each other before progressing to
marriage. As in all situations, it is most
important that you acknowledge and respect each other’s differences in this area. Any
agreement you come to has to feel right to both of you. This is a partnership. If one
person doesn’t agree to the other being in charge of how the money is spent, then
this is not a workable solution for either of you. There is no one right way to handle
finances in a marriage. Some people put everything into one pot, and decide together how
it should be spent. Others contribute an agreed amount of their income to a joint pot of
money that is used for mutual financial obligations. Either way it can be arranged for
each partner to have a certain amount of their own spending money for the month. Be
creative. You can use these differences to strengthen your relationship; to build
communication skills, problem solving, trust, and ultimately the depth of your intimacy.
Grief and Loss
Dear Dr.
Norquist:
I am
writing to you with a heavy heart. My husband and I have been married for almost 40 years.
We’ve raised 3 children together and made it through the hard times and good times.
We’ve had our differences, but we've always supported each other when the need arose.
I'm struggling now with the fact that my husband has been diagnosed with emphysema, and
his struggle to get enough air in his lungs just breaks my heart. His breathing is labored
and loud. I can hear it from almost anywhere in our home. It reminds me of how hard it is
for him to do anything. Sometimes I get so mad at him for not giving given up the smoking
earlier. I feel so helpless to help him. I miss the things we used to do together –
like taking an evening walk. Now, being around the love of my life is bittersweet. I love
being with him, yet its painful to see him suffering. The sound of his breathing just
reminds me that his time here is limited. I don't know if there’s anything you can
say to help me. I just needed to get this off my chest and I felt you might understand.
Dr. Norquist
responds:
The depth of our pain and suffering defines the potential depth of our love. There is a
quote from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran that expresses this beautifully:
“Then a
woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your
tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow
is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Loving and
emotional vulnerability go hand-in-hand. It is the nature of a world defined by dualities.
Your life is abundantly richer due to your capacity for loving and this makes you more
vulnerable to pain. Compare this to a life lived with a closed heart, and a shallow or
undeveloped capacity for emotional experiences. What would your life have been like had
you not been able to experience deep love, joy, beauty and also deep pain, grief, and
suffering? Would you give up the positive experiences in an effort to avoid the pain? As
human beings, we have many ways of protecting ourselves from pain that feels too
overwhelming. We can shut down, and deny or dull our awareness of our feelings. We can
distract ourselves from our feelings, with work, other’s needs, or crises –
constant fires we feel we need to attend to. We can self-medicate, with alcohol and pills.
We can also use our great analytical abilities to intellectualize our pain. Coping
mechanisms are essential in managing the adversity that is inherent in living. These
coping mechanisms protect us from some of the pain, but it is at the expense of our
capacity to feel joy and love. The bittersweet experience you describe is from being able
to experience both love and pain at the same time. This can result in an incredibly rich
experience of ‘aliveness’ – the kind of experience that stands apart from
time and gives new meaning to living life.
On a more practical note, I encourage you and your
husband to search for new ways of creating positive experiences together. Catch moments
that can be appreciated and thus expanded. Pray, and send light and love to each other.
Look for humor whenever it can be experienced. Perhaps there are more sedentary shared
activities that you could do together – board games, cards, puzzles, reading
together, books on tape, etc. There are many excellent books on the process of dying,
books that hold much relevance for living a fuller life. I’d recommend two books by
Steven Levine A Year to Live: How to Live This Year as If It Were Your Last and Who
Dies?: An Investigation of Conscious Living and Conscious Dying. Sogyal
Rinpoche’s books, including The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying are also
excellent resources. I hope this is helpful.
Link
to current weekly columns in the Hudson Reporter
Click here if you would like me to contact you
Or to schedule an
appointment
or discuss your situation, please call me at (201) 659-3060, ext. 15.
(all client
communications are strictly confidential)
Chaitanya Counseling Services
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